Him: I can't give you exceeds in everything. You know I can't do that. Nobody gets that.
Me: Sure, yeah, I understand. Nobody's perfect.
My Soul: OF COURSE YOU CAN. PLEASE. I WANT TO BE PERFECT! WAHHHHH!
And then I ate four cookies.
As my cousin so kindly noted earlier today, if I were evaluated on my accessories, I would always exceed expectations. I do have some great rings. There's nothing in my 401K, but at least I have some rings.
I've been feeling kind of bored and useless at work lately, so I've been pondering what I could do instead. I'd like to work for some really worthwhile organization, like Amnesty International. The thing is, they're really not into hiring you because you're kinda funny and have a stunning collection of shoes. You have to have some sort of experience in that field to prove that you are thoughtful, selfless and socially aware. I was thinking maybe I could join the Peace Corps. You know, really help people, build some bridges, teach some kids to read, get some experience so I can impress those folks. But then, I don't think they let you shoe shop in the Peace Corps. And wearing all my rings would probably get in the way of digging wells and things. Also, I'm sure you can't successfully carry water from the river back to the village in an Yves Saint Laurent Downtown Tote, no matter how cute it might be.
I think I'm going to need a different plan.
Maybe what I'll do is go to law school. Or better yet, get a combination law degree and a masters in global public policy. Ha! Got it. Brilliant.
Except for I don't really know anything about public policy. What if they ask me questions about that on my application? I don't even really know what's going on in the world. I can't see Russia from my house, so I'll have to think of something else. Well, easily remedied. I'll just read the papers we get at work. The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal are very respectable papers. I should be able to get some good stuff out of them. Ooh! We get The Economist, too. That should be informative, if I read past the first paragraph of an article this time. I'll try that. I should probably also watch that Frontline on Darfur I've had saved on my DVR since August.
It might be good if I worked on my foreign language skills, too. No one will be impressed by my weird hybrid of Spanish and French. (I took the classes one semester after the other in college. Big mistake. People don't take you seriously when you accidentally order chile con fromage or ask to try on the gauche zapato. Oh my god! I don't know how to say "ring" in either language! Time to enroll in Berlitz.) I doubt I can make any headway with the sad little bit of Yiddish I picked up in New York. They'd just think I was meshuga.
Naturally, I'll have to follow through with taking the LSAT. I was going to take it last weekend, but I cancelled because I just...never studied. But if I take it seriously this time, maybe even take a prep course, I could do ok. And I might have to take the GRE again. Well, no "might" about it, I definitely will, since I got like a 9 on the math part last time. Of course, I wasn't really prepared for it either, seeing as how I took it approximately one month before I received my graduate degree. I do know how to work the system sometimes.
Ok! Great! I have a plan in place and ready to go. Starting first thing tomorrow, more focus on the global community. I'll get to work before anyone else does so I can read the papers. And I'll check out GRE classes instead of TMZ, watch serious news, not just The Daily Show, and crack open that LSAT study guide.
Ahhhh. It feels good to have a purpose in life.