Monday, December 29, 2008

In which I buy a lemon (in the strictest sense)

It was a tough day at work today.  I wish I could talk about why, but you know I have that thing about not talking about work.  Stuff was going on that wasn't really about me, but was creating a significant amount of anxiety, so much so that I just wanted to stuff my face with carbs.  But we all know that food as a drug does not really make anything better, at least, not for very long. So I decided to stop and get a lemon on the way home from work so that I could drown my sorrows in a proper martini.  

Ah!  Much better.  

(Don't you hate it when you are reading a blog and the blogger is all "I have something going on, but I can't tell you what it is"?  Like, just don't say anything to begin with.   You can't say "Oh, guess what?  I have a SE-CRET," and then expect people to respect that.  People are generally pretty nosy.  I should know, I'm one of those people.  An honest to goodness nosy parker, that's me.) 

So, since I can't talk about my anxiety, or eat or drink it away, and I am still out of Xanax, let's talk about shoes instead.  I had a great weekend shoe-wise.  I got several gift cards for Christmas gifts, so I was able to buy two pair of flats, and then...


Banana Republic.  I have been coveting these shoes for a while, and was able to get them with the gift card and not ANY of my own money.  I love that.

This evening I arrived home with my lemon and my neighbor popped out with a small Christmas gift for me.  A gift card.  To DSW Shoe Warehouse.

I think I've found my new drug.  

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

In which I stalk - sort of

A couple of Saturdays ago, I braved the holiday traffic to make a very necessary Target run.  On my way down La Brea, I saw a Toyota Prius.  The several bumper stickers on the back made it fairly apparent I was following a liberal.  My favorite of the stickers was one that said "I Never Thought I'd Miss Nixon."  I laughed out loud when I saw it, and was suddenly possessed by the need to tell the driver how funny I thought it was.  

I followed her for a bit and finally was able to pull up beside her at a stoplight.  I rolled down my window, and honked for her attention.  She rolled down her window and I said, "I LOVE your Nixon bumper sticker!"  She laughed and said "Isn't that great?"

I knew immediately who she was.  One of my favorite vegetarian hippie TV mothers, Abby from the show Dharma & Greg. 

We agreed that the trying times were soon to come to an end, laughed again, rolled up our windows and moved on.

Thanks for the great laugh, Mimi Kennedy.

P.S.  My very favorite episode of Dharma & Greg is the one where they go to a bunch of different places for Thanksgiving to placate all their friends and loved ones and they have to eat everywhere they go.  It makes me laugh a bunch of times every time I watch it.  This is towards the end of the episode: Thanksgiving Until It Hurts.  My favorite part is around 2:43.  Here are parts one and two if you are interested in watching the whole episode.

P.P.S.  Please note that Mimi Kennedy appeared on the show House.  All things can ultimately be connected to Hugh Laurie and House.  

Sunday, December 21, 2008

In which I de-funk

GUESS WHAT?  I think I am out of my Funk, thanks in no small part to this song (this is the only video I could find of the original song, so sorry if the lights give you seizures), which I heard Friday night and spent all day Saturday trying to figure out the name of it.  It's "Christmas Wrapping".  By The Waitresses.  See?  I just needed a fun Christmas song.  

GUESS WHAT ELSE?  I changed my settings so now you can actually leave a comment if you like.   

Thursday, December 18, 2008

In which I am overtaken by the Funk

It's official.  I am in a Christmas Funk.  And I don't mean I'm surrounded by musicians with sunglasses and saxophones.  

I don't know what it is.  I don't want to decorate or make cookies, and I don't want to listen to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas".  I don't feel like singing "Santa Baby" in my living room with the couch as the audience.  What? Doesn't everyone do that?  Never mind.

Maybe it's because I don't get to go to New York this year, the first time in six years I'm not there during the holidays.  No Rockefeller Center tree, no Bergdorf Goodman windows.  No snow in Central Park. Obviously they decorate in LA, and they do it nicely.  It's just not New York.  

Maybe it's because I won't be with family this year.  It's certainly not the first time, but it seems extra bitter this year because, well, because of the Funk, I guess.

It will be fine, though.  It's only one day, it's only a week away, and then it'll be over.  And I'll just have New Year's Eve to contend with...  

Oh dear.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Insomniac Haiku #2

oh still wide awake
wooly sheep I cannot count
sandman not in sight

Insomniac Haiku #1

should I watch CSPAN
or The Soup is on at two
curse insomnia

Thursday, December 11, 2008

In which I enact the plan

6:24 AM  I'll just lie here a few minutes and think before I get up.  Awareness of the global community, that's the plan.  It'll be so nice to do something that will really help people. Fighting for the rights of communities around the world.  Standing up for women who have been silenced all their lives.  Prosecuting people who take advantage of the environment.  This is gonna be great.  

7:51 AM NO! Overslept. Late.  DAMN IT.  

8:05 AM Race to work.  Do makeup in car.  Why can't anyone in LA move with any kind of speed or purpose? Why does everyone drive so slow ALL THE TIME?  Geez.  So pleased with my plan.  It's going to be really nice being all altruistic and stuff.  After all, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and I can be a part of that.  Oh my god, these people.  GET OUT OF MY WAY.  And the busses.  Every day with the slow busses.  I fail to see how public transportation helps traffic if it slows the rest of us down.  They should just get rid of it.  

8:35 AM Arrive at office.  The papers.  Where are the papers?  I look around the elevator lobby for them.  An employee from the office next door pokes her head around the corner "Oh, I'm really sorry," she tells me.  "I accidentally spilled my coffee on your papers.  Since they were mostly ruined, I threw them out."  She disappears back around the corner.  I need those papers for my FUTURE.  How am I supposed to be up on world events when you spilled coffee on my information source???  Ok, ok.  No matter.  I will read them on line during my lunch break.  That'll be fine.

10:20 AM  I wonder what it'll be like when I am a big, famous human rights attorney.  Maybe I'll get interviewed by the Times or Vanity Fair.  Maybe even Vogue!  They might put me on the cover, too, with some great title like "Human Rights are Sexy".  I wonder if I get to keep the clothes from the photoshoot....

1:00 PM  Lunchtime! Got my lunch, ready to read the news.  Oooh - Golden Globe nominations are out.  You know Heath Ledger's probably going to win.  Those poor guys in that category don't have a chance.  I'll just take a quick look and move on to the news.  Cholera epidemic, water shortage, nasty bribery case with that Blagojevich fellow.  That doesn't look good.  Looks like something's going on with that Casey Anthony case.  This is all very depressing.  Isn't there something happy to report about?

2:05 PM Hahaha!  I was just reading about this - wait - how did I end up on  Alright, well, I did read a little bit of news, so that's good.  A  productive lunch.  Got to get back to work.

7:00 PM  Alright, now, where is that Frontline episode on Darfur?  Where - no, oh no - shoot.  I must have deleted it.  Did I ever watch it?  Dang.  Oh! Oh, great.  I still have last night's Ghost Hunters to watch.  Excellent!

9:58 PM  Ok, now really time to buckle down and take a look at that LSAT study guide. 

"There is no penalty for guessing on the LSAT, meaning no points are deducted for wrong answers.  Therefore, you want to make sure you-"  

Oop!  I think its time for Celebrity Rehab!  I can finish the guide after.

1:00 AM  Huh.  Guess I must've fallen asleep on the couch.  Must be time for bed.  I might have done too much procrastinating today.  I'm going to have to figure out what to do about that tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

In which I come up with a plan

Well, in case you were wondering, the review went fine and I didn't cry.  I didn't get exceeds expectations in everything, but I got either meets or exceeds in every category, and all my reviewers gave me exceeds in the overall category.  So that's pretty ok.  My New York supervisor gave me meets in some categories.

Him: I can't give you exceeds in everything.  You know I can't do that.  Nobody gets that.
Me: Sure, yeah, I understand.  Nobody's perfect.

And then I ate four cookies.

As my cousin so kindly noted earlier today, if I were evaluated on my accessories, I would always exceed expectations.  I do have some great rings. There's nothing in my 401K, but at least I have some rings.

I've been feeling kind of bored and useless at work lately, so I've been pondering what I could do instead.  I'd like to work for some really worthwhile organization, like Amnesty International. The thing is, they're really not into hiring you because you're kinda funny and have a stunning collection of shoes.  You have to have some sort of experience in that field to prove that you are thoughtful, selfless and socially aware.  I was thinking maybe I could join the Peace Corps.  You know, really help people, build some bridges, teach some kids to read, get some experience so I can impress those folks.  But then, I don't think they let you shoe shop in the Peace Corps.  And wearing all my rings would probably get in the way of digging wells and things.  Also, I'm sure you can't successfully carry water from the river back to the village in an Yves Saint Laurent Downtown Tote, no matter how cute it might be.  

I think I'm going to need a different plan.  

Maybe what I'll do is go to law school.  Or better yet, get a combination law degree and a masters in global public policy.  Ha!  Got it.  Brilliant.

Except for I don't really know anything about public policy.  What if they ask me questions about that on my application?  I don't even really know what's going on in the world.  I can't see Russia from my house, so I'll have to think of something else.  Well, easily remedied.  I'll just read the papers we get at work.  The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal are very respectable papers.  I should be able to get some good stuff out of them. Ooh! We get The Economist, too.  That should be informative, if I read past the first paragraph of an article this time.  I'll try that.  I should probably also watch that Frontline on Darfur I've had saved on my DVR since August.  

It might be good if I worked on my foreign language skills, too.  No one will be impressed by my weird hybrid of Spanish and French. (I took the classes one semester after the other in college.  Big mistake. People don't take you seriously when you accidentally order chile con fromage or ask to try on the gauche zapato. Oh my god! I don't know how to say "ring" in either language!  Time to enroll in Berlitz.) I doubt I can make any headway with the sad little bit of Yiddish I picked up in New York.  They'd just think I was meshuga.

Naturally, I'll have to follow through with taking the LSAT.  I was going to take it last weekend, but I cancelled because I just...never studied.  But if I take it seriously this time, maybe even take a prep course, I could do ok.  And I might have to take the GRE again.  Well, no "might" about it, I definitely will, since I got like a 9 on the math part last time.  Of course, I wasn't really prepared for it either, seeing as how I took it approximately one month before I received my graduate degree.  I do know how to work the system sometimes.

Ok! Great! I have a plan in place and ready to go.  Starting first thing tomorrow, more focus on the global community.  I'll get to work before anyone else does so I can read the papers.  And I'll check out GRE classes instead of TMZ, watch serious news, not just The Daily Show, and crack open that LSAT study guide.  

Ahhhh.  It feels good to have a purpose in life.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

In which I stall

Ok, so I spent about three hours working on a couple of posts last night.  I was working on one of them when Blogger just gave out, kicked me off and lost half my post.  And it was a good post.  Clever, witty, you know, the usual.  I would spend time trying to recreate it tonight, but I am busy obsessing about my review at work.  

Also, I am lazy.

Tomorrow at 7:30 AM I have my year-end review.  During my mid-year review, I cried because I didn't get "exceeds expectations" on everything.  And I didn't even give MYSELF "exceeds expectations" on everything.  

I guess you could say that my expectations, well, exceed expectations.  


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

In which...I don't know.

I must still be in a post-Thanksgiving stupor or something, because I just don't even know what to write about.

I'm contemplating digging the candy I threw away out of the trash.  I won't do it, but I'm thinking about it.  Is that the kind of thing you want to hear? 'Cause that's all I've got.  

OH MY GOD.  I just wrote and erased three different things because they all sounded dumb.  You're just going to have to give me some time to regroup, unless you want to hear about any of the following:

a) the episode of House I just watched. (Hi, Mama!)

b) the mythical apartment that I am decorating with the mythical furniture that I am going to buy with all my mythical money

c) that damn candy.

Uh huh.  That's what I thought.

OOH!  I think that I have a piece of chocolate that my nephew gave me in the bottom of my bag! Trash-free candy!  SCORE!