Tuesday, March 17, 2009

In which I get more than I bargained for

Before I left LA, I spent a lot of time getting the right clothes for New York.  I bought coats and sweaters and boots in preparation for the rest of the New York winter.  I also purchased some slammin' rain boots and a green trench for the spring.  Meanwhile, I have worn the same pants to work for the last five days.  But that is neither here nor there, as this is a story about coats.  COATS!

The coat I have worn the most since I have been here is my ivory wool coat.  Now, I knew ivory wouldn't last long in New York before needing to be cleaned and I was right.  The thing is filthy.  Also, I've had to re-attach the buttons about ninety times.  I decided it was time to switch to another coat.  

It's been warm enough, for the most part, to wear my green trench, so that has been my overcoat for the past couple of weeks.  The other night I went to a gay bar with a friend.  I got so much attention because of my coat - those gay boys loved me - proving once again that I am a gay man trapped in a straight woman's body.  
Really drunk guy:  That coat really makes your eyes look green.
Me:  Thanks!  My eyes ARE green.  
Really drunk guy: Oh.

On Sunday, I joined some friends for brunch.  While walking to the subway, I was offered a tour of the city by one of those guys that stand around Times Square looking for tourists.  My friend, SK, said they offered me a tour of my own neighborhood because I was wearing a green coat.  
Me: What does that have to do with anything? 
SK: New Yorkers don't wear green.  They wear black.  
Me: I'm a New Yorker and I'm wearing green.
SK: Look over there - see that family?
I did.  They were carrying maps of the city and wearing various shades of green.  Obviously tourists.  Fine.

At Macy's the other day, I was darting through the throng of cologne sprayers when a couple of the sprayers sashayed towards me.  I panicked, remembering the time I went to Bloomingdale's in LA to find a perfume and the saleswomen practically molested me with atomizers and coffee beans. 
Molesting Saleswoman:  Excuse me-
Me: Uh oh.
Molesting Saleswoman: She (pointing to the other saleswoman) loves your coat.  Where did you get it?
Me: Oh!  Target!
Saleswoman 2: I'm going there right after work!
Molesting Saleswoman: It looks great on you!
Me: Thanks!   

Tonight I was coming back from an American Idol party with my friend M. and her boyfriend S.  We got on the train to come downtown, and at 96th, a gentleman with a guitar got on the train.  He was trying to sing for his supper, and he dedicated his first song to the girl in the green jacket.  
Me: No.
Guitar Guy: I'm singing this song for the white girl in the green jacket.
Me: No.
Guitar Guy: I've got sunshine on the number two train....
Me: No.
Guitar Guy: When it's cold outside, I've got the white girl in the green jacket.

I can feel my face flushing as I laugh.

Guitar Guy: I guess you'll say what can make me feel this way?  The white girl in the green jacket who looks like Ellen DeGeneres.

My face is in flames as I wipe away my tears of laughter.

Guitar Guy: White girl in the green jacket who looks like Ellen.
Train Conducter: 72nd Street
Me: Thank God!
S:  Bye, Ellen!

It's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow.  Maybe I can get away with a nice black cardigan.

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